Last weekend was my 2nd weekend since Griffin and I moved in together that I was away from home. The first time was for a bachelorette party. This time it was a church retreat at my family’s lake house.
On the one hand, I was kind of excited to be laying in a bed I got all to myself – no human, dog, or cat to share it with. I wouldn’t be woken up at 5am by barking. I got there earlier than everyone else and showered, had dinner, and watched Friends without talking to a single soul. I had the opportunity to reflect, to pray, to grow in faith, to write, to read…without interruptions. Because that was what that weekend was for – a time of reflection, a time of fellowship, and a time to grow in faith. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could finally just be fully…me.
But on the other hand, I started missing my little family as soon as I left that Friday morning. Because that is what Griffin and I have been building together – this little family. Sure, the animals outnumber the humans and by family we mean two dogs and a cat, but still. It’s our family; uniquely ours. And I missed them. I missed Griffin. I said I love you about a million times just that first day. I missed our fur babies. He put me on speaker on my drive up there so I could say hi to them and I just about welled up with tears.
The weekend was not quite what I imagined it would be, and yet it was everything I needed it to be without realizing it at the time. Life is heavy. It can become so easy to get bogged down with the everyday of life. This year is all about spirituality, reflection, soul-searching…and I desperately needed it that weekend. It’s hard to put into words the stage of life I feel myself in at the moment. I wrote the following paragraph on Sunday afternoon, after everyone had gone. It was so quiet and still. And I became overwhelmed:
Everyone is gone. All is quiet and still. The sun is shining. “Be still, and know that I am God.” That’s what this weekend was really for, right? To quiet my heart and my mind. To be still. To soak in God’s beauty and be in fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. And yet why does my heart feel heavy? The tears are just on the surface. A wave is coming. The weekend is over, and it’s back to reality. Life keeps going. Time marches on. We go back to our normal lives, our normal routines, go check off the next thing on our lists. But I take this time to pause. To take a deep breath. To see God’s beauty surround me and envelop me. I allow myself to feel the emotions. Sadness. Longing. Contemplation. Acceptance. In the quiet stillness of this place I find rest. I find healing. I find myself. I connect to God in a way I can’t connect anywhere else. No wonder I don’t want to leave it.
But I did leave it. I went back home, back to life and business as usual. Groceries, meal prep, dogs barking, laundry piled in random places, lessons to plan and papers to grade…it was all waiting for me when I got home. I felt so defeated at the thought of trying to tackle another week. But tackle it, I did. And you know what I figured out in the process? That I could. I had the strength in me to get through the week. I had a shifted mindset without even fully realizing it. I opened my heart and let God in, let him lead me. It didn’t change the events of the week. The days still came and went, things still stressed me out, I still had moments of exhaustion, but my mindset was different. I didn’t feel despair, angst, anxiety. I felt peace. I knew I could get through it.
It is Friday evening. I am at a debate tournament, because I am a debate coach and this is part of the job. I’ll be here until close to 9:30, and I’ll be back by 7:30 in the morning, ready to tackle the day. It used to exhaust me, thinking about spending an entire weekend at these tournaments. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be exhausted this time tomorrow. But my perspective has changed. Today is a good day. Today has had it’s moments. Life is not easy. I have worries and stresses and things that get me down. But my heart is open. I know it will be alright. God is with me. I am not alone. I will never be alone.
And that gives me strength. A weekend away was just what I needed. My heart is full, and I am grateful.
Take time to recenter yourself. Change your perspective. Open your heart to new possibilities. Know you can do hard things. You’ll be just fine.